Romantic relationships are a challenge for everyone. No matter how great couples look on Facebook, no matter how many loving, hugging, kissing photos you see of your friends, no intimate relationship is trouble free.
The 5 Qualities to look for in a life partner
#1 The capacity for empathy.
Empathy is the ability and willingness to put yourself in the skin of another person and imagine how THEY feel (which can be completely different from how you see and feel things.) Without empathy, how do we understand each other? Without a capacity for empathy, treating you with compassion, kindness and consideration will likely not be a priority for your partner.
#2 Humor.
When relationships are strained, humor can diffuse a struggle and transform a moment from bad to better. Humor is not always the right approach. But when it works, it works well.
#3 The willingness to keep talking.
Two people who love each other and who are motivated to stay together have the power to work out virtually all conflicts.
Working out conflicts, however, takes time, patience, and skillful communication. Partners have to find common ground or be all right with agreeing to disagree.
It takes a while to resolve conflicts because there can be many steps to cover until both people feel heard.
Talking involves clarifying the problem, understanding the deeper meaning and importance of the problem, making sure each partner understands the other’s position, allowing for the emotions the topic evokes for each person, conveying empathy for each other, and brainstorming until a solution that feels right for both people is found.
#4 Understands the basics of how emotions work.
During strife, emotions are running the show. Emotions are hard-wired in all of our brains the same way. No matter how smart or clever we are, no one can prevent emotions from happening, especially in times of conflict and threat.
It is only after emotions ignite that we have some choice about how to respond. Some people react immediately, indulging their impulses. That is how fights escalate.
Others pause to think before they act. Thinking before we speak or act is best because it gives us much more control over the outcome of our interactions.
Without an understanding of emotions, your partner won’t understand you as well and she/he might criticize you for your feelings or react badly.
We want someone who won’t take our moods and gripes too personally; someone who instead of reacting will get curious and ask what has upset us.
We want someone who will listen without getting defensive. We want someone who knows that sometimes there is nothing to fix and that listening patiently is a powerful tool for couples.
And, we want a partner who demands to be treated in the same understanding and caring way.
Honoring emotions does not mean you take care of you partner’s emotions at the expense of your own, for that leads to resentment. Honoring your partner’s emotions also does not mean you allow yourself to be abused. It does mean that you care when your partner is upset and try to help.
#5 Understands The Importance of Establishing Ground Rules.
In the beginning of a relationship, things usually go smoothly. But when the courtship period ends, differences and disagreements start to come up. Before conflicts emerge, it is a good idea to talk about establishing a set of ground rules for arguments.
Ground rules are the rules for how to fight constructively.
The goal here is to learn specific ways that you can help each other in the midst of a disagreement. For example, you can agree to talk in a calm voice versus shouting at each other.
In setting ground rules, the idea is to anticipate conflict and arguments and rehearse how to do damage control. You do this BEFORE the fight because during fights neither you nor your partner will be rational or calm, as you’ll be high-jacked temporarily by your emotional brain.
The goal is to stay respectful and connected while working through conflicts. Your partner learns how NOT to make matters worse for you; and you learn how NOT to make matters worse for him.
Because each of you is the expert on yourself, you teach each other what you need when you feel bad, sad, angry, and the like.